Solidarity or Self Care

So as I finally get settled in Seattle and am starting my Orientation for AmeriCorp, I find myself in a quandary.

One of the important aspects of JVC is living in the community in which you serve. All year I walked less than a mile from my home to work. I was able to limit my car usage with my human-powered transportation and lived within a few miles of where the majority of our patients lived. My roommates and I did participated in some "escapism" every now and again in the nicer neighborhoods of Portland either taking a stroll down NW 23rd street or simply admiring the adorable houses and porches in the South East neighborhoods. But solidarity - and figuring out what that really meant - was important.

Now I find myself living in the North end of the University District - butting right up against Ravenna and Greenlake - a pretty "Yuppie" area as my roommate Nick, a Former Jesuit Volunteer like myself, likes to point out. I've always wanted to live in this area. I love that Greenlake is less than a mile away - perfect for an after work run. I'm three blocks from my favorite vegetarian restaurant. Going for a walk around the neighborhood there are restaurants representing over 10 different ethnic groups. I brag about the area's 96% walkability score - the library, groceries, bars, restaurants, coffee shops, and shopping are all within walking distance.

But then I take my 20 minute drive on I-5 to South Park (A South Seattle neighborhood between the industrial area and boeing field) and feel guilty...

After two days of orientation I've learned how much Sea Mar community health clinics have poured into this neighborhood. It is incredibly diverse - way more so than North Seattle. It reminds me a lot of Gresham. Its where a lot of the minorities have been pushed out to because of the gentrification of other Seattle neighborhoods. But there is so much joy and community organizing going on. I feel like there is a real desire for change so many efforts to engage the community in celebrations like Fiestas Patrias, helping the local organic farm that supports the local food bank, and gatherings to save the South Park Bridge. Because the need is so visible, the opportunity for change seems more tangible.

I wanted to be happy and comfortable in my home and enjoy being close to friends. Outside of my housemates, living in Gresham was not necessarily where I wanted to spend my time. But now I wish I could really be a part of the community I'm going to serve. North Seattle is far away - physically and in philosophy/perspective.

I hope I can bring a little bit of South Park home with me this year.

Done

I'm doing well. I'm ready to move on. And I finally get to. I just got back from my last downtown clinic. It was long and tedious with high maintenance physicians and a hell of a lot of patients demanding my time and energy. I was worn down and ready to leave once it was all over - which is a good thing. I am ready to leave. We went out to Kell's downtown to celebrate afterwards - my boss and the new JV, and 3 of the intake volunteers I've gotten to know over the past year. We ate lots of food, drank good beer, shared stories and laughed a lot.

I'm happy.
I'm scared.
Scared of what Seattle brings. Scared of finding housing. Scared of not having friends or not seeing the friends that I think I have as much as I plan to right now. Scared of figuring out a new routine.

But it's time. And its been a long time coming - four weeks to be exact.

Its a long time to live in a strange limbo, not able to able to move on, and not yet letting go.

But now I can move forward.

Onto the next adventure...

What I've Learned at Wallace

* I shared this with my co-workers at my final All Staff meeting today through tear filled eyes. It is a mixture of my personal statement and some secondaries I've written for Medical School applications. Wallace has been a very special place and helped me grow in ways I did not expect to grow this year. I am so grateful that I was able to be a part of the Wallace family.

A key requirement of a physician is the ability to connect with a diverse patient population. It is not enough to be intelligent and competent; when a patient is not comfortable with their physician, it can be a serious barrier to care.

During college, I visited nine countries spanning four continents and interacted with many different peoples and cultures. Yet I grew the most in my ability to connect with people with experiences very different from mine in my own back yard. I worked with the uninsured and low-income population during my year of service with the Wallace Medical Concern. One patient came in needing a referral to general surgery. He was recently released from his second incarceration, wore baggy pants, an oversized t-shirt, had long hair slicked back into a ponytail and tattoos from his ankles to his neck. He was looking for a job, but could only find work doing manual labor because of his appearance. With a hernia this was impossible. As we looked for a clinic to manage his hypertension so he could qualify for surgery, he avoided certain areas of town so he wouldn’t fall back into selling drugs. He was compliant and grateful. I was proud to be a partner in his journey to turning his life around.

This year I have served businessmen who all of a sudden found themselves sleeping in their car, sexual minorities fleeing unwelcome homes, and people experiencing homelessness because of mental illness. By maintaining professionalism and providing compassionate care to everyone who walks through our doors, we are able to preserve dignity and show the respect to those typically marginalized in society.

Serving as a Referral Coordinator has taught me other vital aspects of health care—namely the power of listening to patients, the value of collaboration, and the importance of patient education. I discovered that patients were eager to talk to me because there were so few people that would listen. Through their stories of financial struggles and mental health issues, I saw how the practice of medicine has to provide care to the whole person, the physical as well as the psychological and social. I realized that it is more effective to advocate for patients by collaborating with other community health clinics and tapping into community resources that help provide integrated health care. Also surprising is the lack of knowledge our patients have about basic health, self-care, and the health care system. Hearing their stories and talking with them, I have had the opportunity to educate patients on the importance of primary care and how that can help alleviate excessive emergency room visits and unnecessary financial burden on low-income families.

I truly believe I will be a better doctor because of my experience at the Wallace Medical Concern. It has helped me put my ideals into practice. Serving the poor and uninsured sounds like a noble goal, but to sit in a room with a woman in tears because of excruciating back pain and possible cancer having no where to send her is a humbling experience. The struggles of my patients became more real to me this year than I could have imagined. Health truly is a gift that can offer hope in times of hardship.

My experience at Wallace has helped me realize that serving the health care needs of underserved communities is driving my career ambition. I will educate patients on preventative measures that can improve quality of life and reduce costs for individuals and organizations. I will work to break down barriers in the public institutions that inhibit human dignity and the basic human right to health. I desire to serve the underserved and vulnerable, and provide for them comprehensive and compassionate health care. I can best serve these communities as a physician.

Former Jesuit Volunteer

FJV. I am officially a Former, no longer Current, Jesuit Volunteer. In the last two weeks I have said tearful goodbyes to the people who have been a part of my every day life for the past 365 days, moved out of my convent-turned home, moved into an attack room of my coworker's house and her family of four, supported my friends doing a second year of JVC by going to orientation, tried unsuccessfully to connect with new JVs, and cried a lot. Those who know me best know I don't deal so well with transition and change. The change is hardest when it something you wouldn't necessarily chose for yourself. I don't want move away and no longer see these people every day - but that is just how it goes. Out time is up.

I don't necessarily want to keep on being a Jesuit Volunteer, I feel like my experience has been complete. But I am mourning the absence of friends and living in an intentional community. And I am continuing to work at Wallace until the end of the month. I thought it would be nice to not have to say goodbye to everything all at once - first the roommates, then the coworkers - but I may have been wrong. It is strange to not be able to share the nuances of my day at work with Gretchen, Renata, Sinclair, Tomás, and Justin. It kinda feels like its just drawing out my ability to process and bring closure to this year. As I train the new JV I am slowly removing myself from my attachment to Wallace - which is sad in a way.

And I thought I would be able to enjoy all the things I love about Portland, but have discovered that the city is only as wonderful as the people you have to experience it with. I spent endless weekends walking down Hawthorne with my ladies. Or escaping on NW 23rd. Or simply admiring the adorable houses and coveting other people's porches. Its not the same without them. I'd rather hide in my attack room, or distract myself by perusing the internet for houses in Seattle at a coffee shop.

So I am an Former Jesuit Volunteer in a strange limbo. I am just trying to hang in for another week and half before I can move on, get to Seattle, and start my next adventure.

Perfect Summer Day

Saturday was an amazing 90 degree summer day:

- I woke up in the morning and went for a run through one of my favorite trails up that climbs the Gresham Butte.

- Got coffee with a roommate for our Diad – a conversation to evaluate and reflect on our relationship this year as a closure activity. It could have been messy, was hard at times, but ended positively with laughter and constructive criticism.

- On our way home, we got veggies and fruit at the Gresham Famers Market. I also got Two Tamales for the price of one because the sweet Latina woman felt bad that they were out of the kind I wanted.

- I Started packing my stuff so that I’m not overwhelmed next weekend, and can savor time with my roommates.

- I finish my 8th secondary application for medical school and turned it in.

- The roommates and I met up with a few other JVs for Gourment Pizza and a seasonal microbrew in Norhtwest Portland

- After dinner I had the most delicious Stumptown Coffee and Cinemon gelato.

- We all wandered to a park and discovered a swing set. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Swings are amazing.

- When we were done hanging out at the park, we headed home for G&T’s and good conversation.

Perfect.

"Dis-O: a JV vacation"

For the national branch of JVC, Disorientation is its own retreat near the end of the year set up as a time for JVs to find closure to their year of service and living in community. For JVC Northwest, we plan our own Disorientations as individual communities. My Community decided to take advantage of this opportunity to do a “Tour of Oregon” savoring time spent with each other and seeing all the things we wanted to see in Oregon and never got a chance to.

In true Gresham style (we’re known for going all out – no short cuts in Gresham), Disorientation included taking two days off of work and driving over 600 miles as we circled the state of Oregon. We left Friday morning heading east through Mount Hood National Forest. We stopped in Bend for an amazing sit-down lunch at the Deschutes Brewery, taking advantage of the local fare on the community dime – the years almost over, and we’ve got money to spare. Then back to the cars to our destination for the night: Crater Lake. I’ve flown over “the big blue dot” before, but Tomas, Sinclair and I couldn’t contain our excitement when we first got a glimpse driving up to the rim road and just started screaming “AAAAAHHHHHH!”

We set up camp for the night, only to discover that this is peak mosquito season. Adequately lathered in repellent and layered in more clothes than the weather warranted, we spent as little time as possible outside the tent, just enough to grill up some hot dogs and brush our teeth.

In the morning we hiked Garfield Peak behind the Crater Lake Lodge to take in the full experience. Standing on a small snowfield at the summit, we could see Mt. Shasta, and The Sisters, and Three Finger Jack…. Beautiful.

After brief stop and the biggest single scoop of ice cream I’ve ever had in my life, we were in Ashland being treated to dinner by Renata’s old family friends. She hadn’t seen them in 15 years, yet they were probably the nicest, most welcoming and accommodating people I had met. The treated us to a gourmet meal and delicious micro brews at the brewery/restaurant they owned then gave us a tour of adorable little Ashland.

We spent the night at my college roommate’s family’s house in Medford nestled between pear orchards and wineries. This set a beautiful stage for some time we’d set aside to reflect on our year together on Sunday morning. In the afternoon we went to the resovoir – the first time I’ve swam in a body of water in over a year – back to Medford for an amazing steak dinner, and finally off to Ashland again to see Shakespear’s Henry the IVth.

Monday morning, after a breakfast of home made oatmeal waffles (Beth, you’re amazing), we packed up our things and headed back to Portland. A brief stop in Eugene for lunch, and to check out the U of O campus where Sinclair will be an AmeriCorps volunteer in August, and we were back home in Gresham.

Gresham knows how to go out in style. We were spoiled, we got tan, we saw beautiful things and spent time with beautiful people. I can only hope to half as hospitable as the families who hosted us.

Disoreitation? A JV vacation? Perhaps both.

The First Farewell

My eyes are still drying. We'll see if I can get through this without crying.

This fourth of July was the last unofficial gathering of JVs. And an epic fourth of July weekend no doubt complete with soccer game, barbecuing, lounging in the yard, penny keg, and rooftop concert followed by the neighbor hood fireworks. The main party was Saturday night with a few goodbyes in the morning as Seattle JVs headed out, but mostly "see you later"'s to those who I'll see when I'm back north.

The Styrofoam Snowflakes - my band if you aren't familiar - held a Rihanna tribute concert on the Mac House roof on the 3rd. We ended with the a rousing version of "God Bless the USA" for the sake of patriotism, then our adoring fans shouted requests of their favorites from the year - like Beyonce's "If I were a Boy" and City High's "What Would You Do" and a finale of the crowd pleasing Ingrid Michaelson's "You and I' - Sean my band mate leaving me to sing alone in front of everyone before he chimed in at the chorus.

The really tough goodbye came on the night of the 4th. Sean left this morning - the 5th - at 7:30 AM, so in addition to enjoying the fireworks from the Mac House roof last night, it was Sean's last hurrah. Part way through the night he asked me to bring up my guitar. I brought it out and we headed to a corner for our last private jam session. We rocked out to Bruce Springsten's "Atlantic City" for the last time, the rhythm of the strumming and sean's soulful projection of the lyrics creating the music that bonded us in friendship. Then he gathered the group to finish our career in the spirit of the holiday with "God Bless the USA."

When it was time to go home, I waited to be the last to give Sean a hug. "It's been a good year. Go be a doctor." He says to me. "Go be a lawyer. You're great," I replied. "Back at ya." When we got in the car the mix of exhaustion and emotion was too much and I couldn't hold back the tears any more. I sat silently in the back seat as tears poured down my cheeks. Those tears came back as I pulled my guitar out its case this morning to put it away on its stand, and opened my computer to find the tabs of the songs we had performed this weekend.

Sean helped to bring me out of my shell. I never would have gotten up in front of people and performed on my own. He also was my inspiration to play my guitar as much as I have. But he was more than a band mate. He was a fierce friend - loyal and supportive. We had rousing conversations about religion and what a powerful force family is. We had a lot of fun together laughing and playing hard.

Sean had handed me with a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey, his favorite, earlier in the night with the note "Get 'em Snowflake. Thanks for the memories. - Sean 7/2010."

Thanks for the memories, Snowflake.

The end of July is going to be much harder than I thought.

A JV in Mexico City

I guess it really pays to be bilingual.

If you didn't know already, I spent Sunday through Wednesday of this week at a conference in Mexico City. About two weeks ago, the Mexican consulate in Portland invited our clinic to partner with them as a Ventanilla de Salud, or "Health Station." Then then said, "Oh yeah, there's an informational meeting in Mexico City in a week, and we'll pay for someone from your office to go." Our van doc was the only person able to go, and she doesn't speak spanish well enough feel comfortable going alone. Therefore, I, the only other bilingual staff with a valid passport and open schedule, was chosen to go with her! Who'da thunk a non-profit would send their full time volunteer to Mexico??!?! I am one luck JV :)



Secretary of Health - Far Left

The conference was AMAZING! We spent Monday and Tuesday from 9-7 in a conference room in the Secretary of Foreign Affairs building with 60 other participants representing their consulate's Ventanilla, and about 15 government officials or employees of the Institute for Mexican's Abroad. The first day we had presentations from Mexico's Ambasador to the United States, and the Secratary of Health himself about the specific medical needs of the Mexican migrant population and the purpose of the Ventanillas de Salud as way for the Mexican government to care for their citizens abroad. 10% of the entire mexican population are migrants living in other countries. 12 million of those live in the US, 6.6 million of which are undocumented. Because the US federal government does not provide medical coverage for undocumented immigrants, (which the Secretary of Health said is a violation of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights - yikes!), the Mexican government is providing a way to keep its population healthy. Mexican migrants to the US leave a lifestyle where they eat fresh food, walk a lot, and have the support of friends and family, to go to a place where they eat cheap and bad food (or the US equivalent of what they had in Mexico which has a higher calorie and fat content), they are more sedentary and isolated and therefore have a much higher rate of diabetes, obesity, drug use, hypertension and depression than that of the Mexican and US populations.



Media for the Secretary of Health

Venanillas de Salud are partnerships of the Mexican Government (through the local consulate) with community organizations to provide heath information, education, and referral services to the Mexican migrant population. The "Fiscal Agency" receives money from the Mexican Government (not very much) to have a representative in the consulate, or have a "mobile consulate" that outreaches to rural agricultural communities, and offer these services. They want Ventanillas to offer information on pertinent health problems affecting migrant Mexicans, as well as information on insurance coverage options in the US and in Mexico. Mexico recently instituted "Seguro Público" - public insurance - that is free and covers all mexican citizens. So for an undocumented Mexican migrant in Oregon, for example, since they have no medical coverage options, they can sign up for this Seguro Público and go back to Mexico if they get really sick and be seen by a doctor within a week. Problem is once they go back to Mexico, how will they get back to the states? Hot topics these immigration and health care issues!



So Dr. Jimenez and I networked away for three days strait and discovered that there is no formula to being a Ventanilla. Each Ventanilla looks different and offers different services. The main purpose of the second day was to get feed back from current Ventanillas about standardization: what should be standardized? How? What requirements do they want? There is a lot of flexibility and other organizations were eager to help us develop our Ventanilla.





The Ancient Cathedral of The Virgin Guadalupe and the Modern Cathedral

These kind of opportunities really make me want to be a part of public health. It was encouraging for me to see Dr. Jimenez participate in these conversations. It was also interesting to see that a lot of the Ventanilla Coordinators were doctors trained in Latin America that can't practice in the US. I know that I would be unsatisfied simply doing policy and not being able to actually provide medical care, but I want to run a Ventanilla. When I asked Dr. Jimenez about mixing policy and practice, said she is happy doing what she's doing. She wants to do community health, but if that is what I want, I just need to be prepared for a major pay cut. I am so excited about the Ventanilla program and what it has to offer, so its sad that I probably won't ever see it come to fruition. But Sea Mar, where I'll be an americorps volunteer in Seattle next year, is the Ventanilla in Seattle. So there's hope!



It was a pretty amazing four days. So many of the opportunities I've had through Wallace are shaping what I believe as a person and what I want to do as a doctor. For that I am truly grateful.

Procrastination and El Capullo

So, I'm sitting in our local coffee shop, Cafe Delerium, on the corner of Main and 3rd Street. My plan for today was to go to the farmer's market (check) and then to hold up in this caffeination station and finish up last minute edits on my medical school application.

After about an hour of work - well, half an hour of work and half an hour of facebooking - I decided it was time for a little break. I really wanted to share with you all my new favorite part about working on the van on Wednesdays: El Capullo. If I haven't mentioned it before, Gresham is the little Mexico of the Portland area. The hispanic population is very high, and so is the concentration of mexican restaurants and tiendas within a 5 mile radius of my house. My housemates an I rarely venture into these shops and restaurants- mainly because we can't afford to eat out, but other than that I have no idea why.

So I'm pleased to finally be enjoying the benefits having authentic mexican food at my finger tips. The van staff has made a habit of buying lunch at El Capullo every wednesday. $1 tacos, $1 horchata (drink made of rice milk, sugar and cinnamon), and a huge buffet of free fixins. 1 taco of carnitas, 1 taco al pastor, piled high with cilantro, onion, green salsa, pico de gallo with nopal cactus, marinated chiles, and lime. HEAVEN. I've started bringing home the extra goodies to eat with nachos at home - which Renata appreciates. A little taste of mexico brings her back to her visiting her dad's family in Mexico City.

Though, before I took the time to write about this deliciousness and notice the grumbling in my tummy, I found myself distracted once again. I decided to revamp my blog. Hope you enjoy the new layout. And are inspired to go find some tacos of your own.

Procrastination. Much more satisfying that actual work.

The Great Outdoors

Despite the horrendously rainy and cold spring we've been having, there have been a few shining moments of sun and warmth, and my roommates and I are taking full advantage. For a girl who used to whine at the thought of hiking up a mountain, I've come quite a long way.

Memorial day weekend, for the first time in probably 10 years, I strapped on an over 50 pound back pack, and headed out onto the trail for a backpacking and camping weekend. I gotta say I felt pretty bad ass finally putting my "travel backpack" to it's intended use. Something about caring around your own food and shelter on your back and walking into the wilderness with a group of people is liberating. It was a fairly easy hike - we had quite the mix of experienced and first time backpackers. Hiked about four miles in to the camp site *Gretchen and I found and convinced our group to hike 15 more minutes for our pristine location*, set up our tents, scoured the land for fire wood (not hard, there's a beetle infestation that is killing all the trees), and chowed down on dried fruit, trail mix, and fire-roasted hot dogs. The second day, Garrett and Tomás headed onward past where the trail was not really hike-able any more due to downed trees. They camped a second night at Badger Lake. The girls and I hiked until we were having to climb over downed trees every 15 feet. It made for a nice 9 mile hike on day 2 before the drive home. I had at one moment considered going on with the boys to camp a second night, but that 9 mile hike told me I am not quite in the backpacking shape I'd like to be in. None the less - communing with nature and sleeping in a tent for the first time in a LONG time was pretty great :)





Then the next weekend, we were lucky enough to have another beautiful saturday and went on a hike to Ramona Falls with our support couple Jim and Mary Anne Buck. Both in their 60's and recently retired, Jim is quite the athlete and mountian man, and Mary Anne has joined a hiking group since her retirement from St. Henry's Parish 6 months ago. They picked us up in the morning, we drove out to Mt. Hood National Forest and went on one of the most beautiful hikes I have been on in a long time. We wandered through what seemed to me the garden of eden entranced by the babbling brook and the silence of the deep forest. Not to mention the incredible view of Mt. Hood. Jim an Mary Anne provided a nutritious lunch when we got to the falls, then we were invited over for an evening of Venison Stew, Rhubarb Pie, and great conversation. Amazing.






I can't get enough! I want to hike every weekend!

Spirituality Night: I am from...

*So for last weeks spirituality night, Justin had us all write "I am from..." poems. Basically drawing on people, places, things and experiences that have shaped you and made you who you are. They are super free form, kind of stream of consciousness. I wrote two: one very random, and the other a little more thoughtful. Just thought I'd share!

I am From…
I am from water
From summers at the pool and swim team races
From a liquid back yard and sunburns after laying out on the dock too long

I am from nerf gun fights, trying to be one of the boys
I am from a cruel older brother that turned into a best friend
I am from Peppakakka and Potatas Corve
I am from five acres of the best trees to climb, the freshest mountain air and Karen the goat lady
I am from “don’t call me pony, I’m just a little horse,” fried chicken and the Honda Trail ‘90
I am from “don’t talk about your feelings” and “tell me more than you wanted to know”
I am from Lamb Chop and Reading Rainbow
I am from don’t eat that and however you say “fat girl” in Japanese
I am from hips broken at the age of 13 and guns pointed at your daughter
I am from West Lake Sammamish Parkway and angry neighbors
I am from Shawn Moore and nettle bushes

From rats buried in the back yard to cats we thought had 6 toes but turns out we just couldn’t count
From Doug Firs, Rhododendrons, Japanese Maples and Eagles Nests
From the ancient music that has coursed through the veins of humans and fed their souls since the beginning of time
I am from the secret – the quiet place, hungry I come for I know you satisfy, Forgiven because He was forsaken

From tears shed on snowy mountain slopes
From dress-up clothes and Barbie dolls in the drawers beneath my bunk bed
From Scientists and Journalists
From Faith and Reason

From a love that has filled me and inspired me to take joy in this world and do what I can to help others experience the love and joy we all deserve



I am from Water

I am from the water that falls from the sky
That quenches the thirst of the evergreens and ferns
That runs down the steep Seattle streets

I am from the water that courses through the veins of the Northwest
That melts from the glaciers
That fills the Columbia and cuts through the walls of the Gorge

I am from water that stands still
Only moved by my arms and my feet as I race to the edge of the pool
Or by the propeller of the boat and the fin on my wakeboard

I am from the living water that restores my soul
From Be Though My Vision and Lift Thine Eyes
From the stillness, He is there

I am from the water that falls in drops from my eyes
To remember flannel shirts, puffy vests and trucker hats
For tan skin, gold chains, and cigar smoke

I am from the water from the faucet, that once fell from the sky, ran through the river, collected in the reservoir, and filled the pipes that emptied into my glass only to enter my body, fill my cells, and give me life.

Who wants to see the Doc on the RV?

The Wallace Medical Concern is now on Wheels!

Las week was our first full week of seeing patients on our new mobile medical clinic. This thing has dominated the time of everyone in the office for the past few months. But after hours of phone calls, hundreds - more like thousands - of copies, a lot of cleaning, and a few practice clinic, our van is on the road! Or parked in the parking lot of three local social service agencies throughout the week.

This thing is literally an RV. There are two exam rooms, a small bathroom, a little lab area, and a teeny tiny office with two "desks." The goal is to see 15 patients a day with one doctor, one MA, one person doing intake/referrals, and me doing referrals on Wednesdays and occasional Thursdays.

We are not without kinks, that's for sure. Showing up last Wednesday to our an agency that didn't know we were starting that week... not so good. Not having lidocaine for procedures - bad. Having only three patients on the schedule then having all of them cancel, very ineffective. But we're getting there.

I am responsible for setting up referral systems and making sure our staff is aware of and utilizes all the resources available to us. I am also in charge of figuring out flow - do we do referrals on the van? Do we have a confidential space to do referrals? How do charts make it back to the office? What do we do if patients need follow up?

All very good questions... I'm not sure of all the answers quite yet.

Also, I decided to be more "green" and bike to the van location today. Great idea when the sun was out at 8:00 this morning. Now it's POURING! - hopefully it will lighten up before I head home at 5:00.

Sweat Lodge

So this post is WAY over due, but I wanted to share about this really interesting experience.

Every first sunday of the month, a community of people gather on some land near Mt. Hood to participate in a Lakota Native American tribe sweat lodge. A former JV, and current Jesuit Priest who is very involved with Portland area JV's and JVC NW - he spoke at orientation - has been very involved in the spiritual practices of the Lakota tribe and tends fire for the sweats. Current Portland JV, my friend Jeremy, has been very intrigued and involved in the sweats this year and goes every month. JV's are always welcome and invited, and my roommates have gone a few times. So I decided to go to the March Sweat.

The sweat is an all day experience. You show up in the morning to work the land: we spread "hogs fire" -mulch - over the rock path, cut wood for the fire that would heat the stones for the sweat, or prepare cedar "leaves" for the smudge (a blessing/washing with smoke). We dropped off our stuff in the community yurt and set to work. After a few hours of work, everyone prepares for the lodge. Women change into t-shirts and long skirts while the men can be shirtless with shorts. If your shirt has a logo, it is best to wear it inside out. You want to enter and exit the lodge as purely and naturally as possible. If you have any metal you can't remove, you tie a red piece of yarn around them so that the bad spirits stay away - or just pray I don't get burned by the heat conducted through the metal rods going through my ears.

Just before the lodge, new comers are given an explanation of what to expect. There are rules and what way to turn (always clockwise), Gifts are given to the leader - Numpa - meaning loose tobacco for rolling cigarettes.

I feel an explanation of the actual lodge is necessary. When I first got there, my friend Emily asked "so where's the lodge?" and the boys pointed to a small, round hut that probably reached to my waste an was maybe 10 feet in diameter. "That's IT?!" we responded. Sweats are not for the claustrophobic, that's for sure.

So as the sweat began, we entered the lodge on our hands and knees to the beat of the drum. Women first, making two rows on the right side of the lodge, followed by the men making tow rows in the left. Finally Numpa enters. When the stones are ready, Numpa calls for how many stones he wants. They fill the pit in the middle of the lodge, and the door is shut. We sit in complete darkness and focus on our "intention" as the water condenses on our skin - half Sweat, half water vapor from the stones - trying to focus on the cries of the Native American chants being sung rather than the scalding air as it fills our lungs.

There were four rounds: each of varying lengths and temperatures. The third was the most intense - 16 stones - but also the shortest. Sighs of relief fill the lodge after the end of each round. We were sweating for 2 hours, though it felt much shorter.

When the sweat was finally over, we crawl out of the lodge, exhausted and drenched to our bones. Everyone pathetically collapsed on the ground or stumps encircling the fire outside. We thank our leader, breath deep, then retreat to the yurt to change.

Once everyone is cleaned up, the yurt fills with food people have brought to share. The leaders and elders eat first, next the women, and finally the men. As we sat and enjoyed amazing salads, chicken, breads, cookies the talk circle commenced. We passed the eagle feather around the circle and everyone has a change to talk about what they experience during the sweat. Personally, the sweat had been tough. I didn't have a specific intention, it was uncomfortable and unfamiliar, but the talk circle made it worth it. To hear about everyone's experiences and to become a part of this community of people who craved for a spirit beyond themselves, was so fulfilling. And to share this experience with my roommates and fellow JV's - pretty great.

The inevitable has happened...

... our free internet connection has been locked down. I can no longer check my e-mail when I wake up on weekend mornings, or write blot posts while eating breakfast in my bed (which I will use as my excuse for why I am so far behind).

Debnet is now password protected.

But, the sadness I felt when I tried to log on one sunday night makes me question my addiction. I would think I would have conquered this need for constant access to information and impersonal connection, but alas I have not. Further shown by how I freaked out the weekend I didn't have a phone - my nice flip phone flipped right in half when I dropped it on the hard floor of my office.

But it's been a few weeks now, and I do feel guilty for not updating my blog - which is also due to the fact that Med School applications are starting to rule my life, and work has gotten so buy and crazy that I barely have time to check my personal e-mail when I'm at the office. Other than that, I am more present to my roommates when we're all home, I'm once again reading before going to bed rather than trying to download the latest episode of Private Practice, and after my head phones exploded a few months ago, I can read while at the gym and enjoy the sounds of the birds as I run outside rather than being addicted to my iPod.

I can live without internet...

As long as there is a Cafe D or some other cute coffee shop near by to occasionally connect me to the world beyond Gresham.

Future Plans Update

It's that time of year. The time of year when JV's are hearing back from grad schools, applying for second years of service, and trying to figure out where we'll end up in a few months. Granted we have about 4.5 months left to continue growing with our communities, live more simply, fight for justice and explore our spirituality - but we can't help but think about what happens in August.

For me, I have already applied, interviewed and been accepted for a second year of JVC - but I turned it down. With Med school applications and interviews, trying to maintain the relationships I already hold dear, and no really wanting to spend another year in the Convent that is my home (it's not that bad, but just not too homey), I couldn't commit to being a part of the next JVC community in Gresham. I will miss Wallace Medical, and they will miss me, but hopefully it's a "see you later" not a "goodbye." I've still got 4 months....

So, I'm heading back to Seattle! Right this very second I am applying to AmeriCorps positions in Seattle at with Sea Mar clinic and social services for primarily latino immigrants. I might be a bilingual Doula (birth coach), or help patients navigate the health care system, or work in patient education. If that falls through... perhaps a job and a few months spent traveling/volunteering in Latin America. I am also currently working my way through the MSAR (Medical School Admissions Requirements) trying to pick out where I want to go to med school... and that application will dominate my life shortly.

Anywho... a little update on my life plans.

Social Justice makes my head hurt...

So I've had some pretty awesome opportunities of late to educate myself on different justice issues, which is GREAT yet overwhelming. Here's what's been on my mind the past week:

Food Justice:

I lead community night last week and decided to have all my roommates watch Food Inc., followed by a discussion of how we can buy better food. This movie is SO GOOD! Granted I am thoroughly disgusted with the American food industry, but I feel so much more enlightened and educated about what I am putting into my body - and what I want to stop putting in my body. I was already interested in food justice; I like supporting local and organic products and I have mixed feelings about GMO's, but for the sake of buying the most with our money, we haven't really payed attention to that this year. I also shared an article about the external costs of cheap food. This is one way where you can really vote with you dollar and affect a positive change for worker's rights, environmental health, animal rights, and our own personal health.

NW Environmental Health Conference 2010:

I received an e-mail at work about this conference and immediately asked my supervisor if I could go and represent Wallace. It was a day long conference for health care providers, non-profit organizations and advocates in the Portland area to discuss the state of environmental health and how it affects on health in our area (hosted by the OHSU School of Nursing). I spent the day listening to doctors (most belonging to Physicians for Social Responsibility), nurses (most with PhD's), researchers, public health advocates and naturopaths speak on a variety of topics including: Global Warming, the effects of built environment vs. natural environment, projects with immigrant populations to reduce household contaminants, and how to incorporate environmentalism into your practice. I don't quite know why I hadn't drawn the connection between environmental and health advocacy - but it makes so much sense! We are essentially killing ourselves the more and more we kill our environment. I am inspired to make a difference.

Changing needs at Work:

I spent all day yesterday having the same conversation over and over again in the office. The line out our door is getting longer, the people are more upset and desperate, and their problems are more complicated. We can usually see about 20 patients a night, but we are now turning away just as many. One of the doctors on Monday night comment about how our capacity to treat patients will be lower as we continue to see more people with Diabetes and Hypertension along with a laundry list of other issues. It is time consuming and work intensive. So what do we do? We can't just be a portal for referrals. Primary care referrals are a great asset, but not an obligation - and if we start handing them out like candy, our resources will be tapped out. So do we stick to basic urgent care or expand our scope to fit the needs of our community? Do we do appointments and stop being the only clinic in east county with same-day provider visits? My head hurts....

In Summary

Everything is connected: eat local and by organic, ride a bike, plant a tree, lobby for better healthcare!

Reflection on the Four Values

Here is the second essay I wrote for the 2nd year application. It is a reflection on the four values: Simplicity, Social Justice, Spirituality, and Community.

Before my JV year started, I thought the four values were somewhat arbitrary. As I have grown to understand them I recognize how essential simplicity, spirituality, social justice and community are to living a full and meaningful life.

I have been challenged this year to think about simplicity in many different ways: simplicity of time, simplicity in terms of technology, and ecological simplicity. Discovering what is life-giving in terms of simplicity of time has been difficult. To some of my housemates, it meant not rushing, being patient, not filling your day with things; but I am a person that is driven by an agenda. I appreciate lazy days, but also have a need to achieve and am a much happier and healthier person when active. Technologically, I still struggle with wanting to be on my computer and seeking out Internet, but I have discovered the joy in freedom from my cell phone. I am more present to the people and experiences around me when I’m not concerned about my next text message of phone call. Environmental simplicity has been interesting. I have always had a car and never had a need or desire to use public transportation. But after six months of being in Portland, I am finally pushing myself. It is so easy and simple to get in my car, turn the key, and be on my way whenever and wherever I want to go. But I’ve started to take the Max to church on Sunday mornings, and take the bus into Portland when I need an escape from Gresham. I am slowly alleviating my anxiety on public transit and it creates a peaceful sense of freedom and exploration allowing me to find joy in this city.

My placement is phenomenal. I can say with complete confidence that I will be a better doctor because of my work with the Wallace Medical Concern this year. Learning the social work model of care – giving people their options and letting them decide for themselves what they do with their heath – is so much more empowering than a medical model that dictates medical choices in order to move people a long more quickly. Especially being a part of our Latino Patient Advisory Council, I’ve realized the importance of listening and giving people a chance to be heard. Additionally, it has been made very clear what a huge gift it is to be bilingual and bicultural. I am not quite either, but it is now a goal of mine to work towards that.

In regards to spirituality, I did not understand just how “Catholic” the Jesuit Volunteer Corps was and how much of a challenge that would be for me this year. Growing up Presbyterian and attending a Presbyterian university, I had a fairly solid Christian faith foundation coming into the program, but have been challenged by my own prejudices of Catholicism as well as battling with the division of the church. My education was seemingly ecumenical, so the separation of my own faith from that of my housemates – due to the culture of the Catholic Church or some traditional Catholic views – has been difficult. But these challenges have allowed me to identify and think critically about my frustrations with Catholicism. I am finding language that is inclusive of the whole Christian community, and the greater community, keeping in mind the oppression that can be inherent in religion.

I am grateful for the way that living in intentional community encourages me to live the lifestyle I want to live. To be able to save money on food, or put more money towards local and organic products because we share a budget, and to come home to people who want to talk about our joys and struggles with this program is immensely life giving. But it is not without its challenges. Living with five strangers in a new city and having these strangers comprise your support group throughout this year puts a lot of pressure on relationships. Discovering just how different you can all be creates a lot of tension. But I am learning to simply exist and grow in that tension. I have had some of the most hilarious, encouraging, and insightful moments with my housemates, but I have been uncomfortable, angry and sad as well. By living in this tension, I can now recognize my own needs and communications styles better, and am growing more compassionate and loving toward people that are different from me.

JVC times two?

So my mind has been occupied the last few weeks entertaining the thought of doing a second year of JVC. In terms of job security and continuing to do the work I love to do, JVC would be a great option. Though socially, for the sake of family and friendships that I already have, I'd rather be in Seattle. So keep me in your thoughts and prayers that I might get some more clarity in the next few weeks. I have my interview tomorrow and if I'm accepted I will have two weeks to decide. It's all coming up rather quickly, so I'm a little freaked out. In the mean time, I wanted to share my 2nd year application essays to shed some more light on my experience of this year. Here's the first one:

There is a language and a culture that belongs to Jesuit Volunteers that has helped give a voice to my personal values and ideals. Intentionality, community, peace and justice are becoming concepts that motivate my thoughts and actions. Compassion has always been a part of who I am. I am one who wants to experience the love of Christ, and live my life in a way that is true to that love – to be a glimpse of that love for everyone I interact with. JVC has helped me to do that. I am a person who has lived a life of privilege, of good health, of ample resources, and who is determined that because of this I have a responsibility to empower others and ensure that others have the chance to live with these as well.

As a JV, the way in which we live, serve and support each other have given me the opportunity to further develop my values and understand what it means to live them out. Conversations with my community, our struggles to love each other, the shock of my patient’s stories, and pushing myself to think about my impact not only on the people on this earth, but the earth itself have created some substantial growing pains. It is difficult to realize that I’m wrong. It is scary to recognize my faults and judgments. But it is the starting place of personal growth.

I am growing in many ways. I have tasted what it is to truly be hands and feet on the front lines for justice. I have been called out and challenged on the way that I express myself. I have realized how pervasive and debilitating domestic violence is, and how dehumanizing it is to have to stand in a line outside in the cold just to see a doctor. I have a whirlwind of questions spinning around in my head and six months is not enough time to sort it all out. My whole life may not be enough, but I desire to continue my development with a community that will keep challenging and supporting me. I crave an environment that will delve deeper into the JVC values. I have been exposed to new thoughts on social justice, community, simplicity, and spirituality and I want to continue to explore them with JVs that I can learn with; people who desire to better this world and listen to those who are hard to hear beneath the hum of the majority.

I am slightly anxious about a second year of JVC and have a lot of questions. Will my new housemates be as amazing as this year’s? Will they be outgoing and willing to adventure in the city and in nature? Can I handle living in the same house again? Will I be the controlling second year who knows how to do everything and wants to enforce my own ideas? Am I avoiding something? Will I miss out on another year of the lives of my friends and family outside JVC? I recognize that it will be a difficult process. It’s not as if I feel like I need a re-do. I have had an amazing first year and feel like I’ve only begun to tap into my life force. I simply yearn for more.

I have great aspirations for the year to come. I hope to give more stability to my agency and to further my empathy and compassion for the patients we serve. Wallace is about to go through a multitude of important changes. They are expanding services by adding a mobile clinic, hiring a doctor, and having to move to a new office space by January 2011. Though our houses are designed to be our intentional community, my office has become that for me as well. I am invested in my relationships with my co-workers, and fall more in love with Wallace’s mission every day. To have to train a new JV is very possible, but would be difficult in the midst of the new changes coming on. Maintaining continuity of care is important, and I don’t want the care of our patients to falter as the organization continues to change and grow.

Though my passion for my job and the work I do there is a major motivation for me to apply for a second year, I also hope to turn the idea of living in an intentional community into a true lifestyle, to decrease my carbon footprint, and to really appreciate the people and places within the city I live in. I want to further explore what simplicity means and to push myself to live a life that is more ecologically sustainable. I want to think critically about the sources of injustice in this world and how I can make a difference in the lives of people who experience injustice. I hope that a second year will help me become a strong advocate for peace and justice and a world that struggles to see the value in that.

This makes it all worth while

I was just forwarded this link by the Access and Referral Coordinator (Tara) at Project Access at the Coalition that my clinic is a part of and wanted to share it with you all. About a month ago, Tara called me asking for a patient story for some publicity for our program and I offered the story of a patient that has gone through a lot in pursuit of care for her extremely painful skin condition. Here is a copy of the story. I hope it gives you a little more insight to what I'm doing this year. You can find the actual web page and Isha's picture here.


Isha’s dermatological condition made her so self-conscious she became extremely anti-social; she’d hate even the thought of interacting with people. Two days after she moved from Cleveland to Portland for a job transfer, the local company department closed. Isha was out of a job in a city she didn’t know, and with no insurance to help her get medical attention.

“It actually turned out to be a blessing,” Isha said. She found Wallace Medical Concern, where her doctor connected her with Erin Cooley, who enrolled Isha in Project Access.

Following three months of antibiotic treatment and consultations with Dr. Nathalie McDowell Johnson, of Surgical Associates, and Dr. Daniel Zegzula, of Portland Plastic Surgery, Isha underwent a successful surgery in December 2009. She said, “They took out as much diseased tissue as possible without leaving almost any scars.”

Laughing, Isha said, “It’s over with. I’m healing. I smile more. I feel comfortable getting out among people. Even my family commented on how my personality changed.” In her own estimation, Isha has “a couple of months to go” with follow up visits and recovery.

Relief came with a degree of gratitude. “Everyone at Wallace [Medical Concern] and [Legacy] Good Samaritan was wonderful. They all took time to listen, thoroughly examine me, and then tell me what my options were, the good and the bad.”

As she related her story, Isha sounded surprised at times. “Someone at Project Access called me to tell me what the process was and the expectations. At the end, they asked what they can do to improve. I thought, ‘Is there something else? You guys are doing exceptionally well and are asking for feedback.’ I loved it! It was something I had never experienced before.”

That it all was a volunteer effort compounded Isha’s feelings. “It was special,” she said. “I had no job, very little income, no bright outlook on things. It just so happened I was at the right place at the right time. If it hadn’t been for Erin Cooley, I wouldn’t be here.”

(February 2010)

A Few Things to Share

Man, I'm slacking as a blogger. I always have little thoughts throughout the week that I'd love to share with the people, but lack of access to internet and time do not lend themselves to being able to sit down and share what I want to share when I want to share it (though we are able to steal internet at our house currently, but I won't let myself blog from home). Then almost three weeks go by without a blog post. Sorry friends! Here are some important/interesting things that have happened recently:

Solo Clinic: I ran downtown clinic all by myself! It's pretty exciting. I was in charge of EVERYTHING: orienting a new doctor, helping people find supplies in our "clinic in a box" that we use because the clinic is borrowed space, filling in for as an interpreter (for a rectal exam - that was fun), making sure everything ran smoothly, that all the patients that were supposed to be seen got seen, dealing with walk-ins and making sure everything got put away correctly at the end of the night. I'm a real clinic manager :)

Shadowing: On MLK day I got to shadow our Medical Director for morning round up at the VA. I showed up at the Hospital while it was still dark, just before 7 AM, and spend a few hours walking around with two medical students, three residents, another Pre-med girl also shadowing, and Dr. Reuler watching the students and residents present on the patients that had been admitted over night. Not only was it a really interesting experience, the VA is up on "The Hill" with OHSU and I got to watch the sunrise over Mt. Hood. It was AMAZING - such a beautiful sunrise from the perfect vantage point. It was the first sunny day in about a week and was the perfect start to the week.

LPAC and Social Justice: So social justice has been on my mind a lot recently - sparked by our Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Party conversations, through talks during our Area Director visit, and with our upcoming retreat focused on social justice this weekend. I got to really be a part of it during our recent Latino Patient Advisory Council (LPAC). Wallace has received a grant to evaluate the needs of the east county community and determine whether or not we should expand and become a Federally Qualified Heath Center (FQHC). Any who, part of this process is focus groups with the community to discuss what the actual needs of the community are. So we had a few people from the county lead this focus group with out Latino Patients at our LPAC meeting. We discussed what a "healthy community" looks like, what are current barriers to having a healthy community, what are the needs of the community, and how can Wallace help to provide for those needs.

I was so affected by what was said. For one, the room was pretty evenly split male and female, and everyone participated equally, which was not expected. They shared their concerns about lack or resources and communication about resources, how hard it is to be latino and the discrimination they receive in the work place. Worrying about proving themselves and being strong, but how can you be strong physically or mentally when you don't have enough food to feed your family? One woman was talking about being in debt for life to the hospital because she had to have an emergency surgery and there was nothing she could do about it, but then another couple chimed in about financial assistance programs at hospitals. There is not enough communication about the resources available. And then just coming to a new country and not understanding the laws and customs is so difficult. They expressed frustration with their own latino community that doesn't take responsibility for their own health and well being, and the sense of competition between neighbors that inhibits the communication flow.

For me to be one of only two white women, a person of supposed privilege, in the room of 20 latinos, I felt so honored to be a part of this discussion. I can say that latinos are disriminated against and not completely understand what that means, but having heard about their struggles from their own lips, it is more real than I could imagine. It must have been so empowering for them to be given a space to voice their concerns and actually be heard and listened to; to even be asked these questions and have their thoughts truly valued. That's really the first step: to give people space to be heard and validated, then take the things they sat and take action. And I really do get to be a part of solution. It's a pretty incredible feeing.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Reflection

I'm so impressed with my roommates and I. We decided to throw a party for MLK day and the long weekend, but didn't want it to be just a typical party. We wanted to respect the spirit of the day and the work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. The original plan was to have some kind of service event Saturday afternoon, then have people our place to dance the night away. However, seeing as how we volunteer all day everyday, and there weren't really any service opportunities on Saturday, we organized a Social Justice reflection to help us process our own experiences in the service we already do.

We started the reflection around 7:00 Saturday night when the Portland JVs decided to show up; out-of-towners had been chillin at our house since mid-day. We had sent out reflection questions mid-week to let people prepare their thoughts and stories. Justin facilitated and came up with some more questions to discuss. At one point we broke into groups with people from other houses, then came back together. We started with simply sharing stories that have opened our eyes or changed our perspective on Social Justice, or stories of people we've worked with or clients that inspire us. It was so wonderful to hear stories from other JV's. We inspired each other and got to understand the jobs and struggles of our fellow volunteers. We talked about what it means to be born with "power" because you're were born white and grew up in the middle class; and how to use that power, or redefine it rather, working with the powerless. We talked about how we really aren't that many steps from the people we serve. A few unfortunate circumstances or wrong choices and we are right there on the streets and uninsured. We discussed how difficult it is to deal with people and trust their stories. Then how hard it can be do have a trying day and come home to a community that can often feel like a second job. I was so impressed with my fellow volunteers. There was one non-JV in the room. He's a Seattle Native who's college roommate is now a JV in Seattle and he's moved back home and become a pretty important part of the Seattle community. He was so thankful to be out of school but still connected to an amazing group of people that continue to feed him spiritually and challenge him to think about Social Justice and Service in new ways.

It was a pretty amazing time to come together and share and reflect.

Then as conversation eventually died down, we cleared tables and food away and boogied down.

Personal Simplicity Challenge

So, I've been doing this whole "living simply" JVC thing for almost 6 months now so I think it's time to step it up with a personal challenge. I have one MAJOR crutch ... my car...

One roommate has challenged our house, and me specifically, to try and limit our car usage to only work-related endeavors and grocery shopping. Sounds easy enough right? Not so much when we live half an hour from down town and the other JVs by car, 45 minutes by public transit. On dark rainy nights, it's much easier to cram into the car than to walk to the Max station that's less than a mile from our house and wait for the train. Not to mentions my somewhat irrational fear of public transportation. Not so much fear, more like unfamiliarity. All my roommates have to take busses and the MAX for work occasionally if not every day OR they went to school in cities with amazing subway systems and have lived without cars for the past four years. I, however, have never been without a car since I was 16 - maybe the first two months of college but I promptly brought my car back after that first thanksgiving. I grew up in the burbs where we had busses, but I never had to use them, and they just took so dang long to get anywhere. My friends and i would try to help the planet out a bit with carpooling, but there was always multiple cars available to us.

So I've taken on this challenge.. and it's been an interesting experience thus far. Two weekends ago, I borrowed Sinclair's trimet pass and Renata, Gretchen and I bussed it into SE portland to wander and explore for the afternoon. It was about half an hour bus ride, then we walked from Division, down Hawthorne, back down Bellmont, over to Stark, and past Burnside - we probably walked a good 6 miles easy. But it was so nice to experience the city, see the people, walk into the cute stores, explore bars that we'd heard about. Had we gone in the car, we would not have seen all the cute little Portland houses or gotten lost and figured our way around the city. I have a much better understanding of where everything is now.

Then this past weekend, I took the Max to church. I really like this new church I've gone to a few times - Mosaic - and it just so happens to be about three blocks from the Hollywood Max station. I drove the first time I went because I was nervous about finding it and was running late - like usual. But last weekend, I borrowed Gretchen's Trimet pass, walked to the Max station in the rain, and got on the train. It was super easy and kinda nice. I brought a book and got to just check out for the half hour ride. It was nice. Kinda like I was back in Europe, making my way around the city sans car; it's liberating. Though I must say the Max is not the most relaxing atmosphere. I was trying to focus on my book - Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott - but was surrounded by rowdy teenagers having really inappropriate conversations. I spend a lot of energy just trying to not to listen and be embarrassed for them. It's exhausting to ignore people. I have a new respect for Gretchen who commutes to work three times a week on the max.

Well, so far so good. I'm proud of myself. I just needed to do it once, and now I'm not so anxious about it. Hopefully I'll be using my car less and less.