Not Quite There

It's been interesting trying to live with 7 new roommates. I've been having a lot of out of body experiences lately, examining my situation as though I were removed from it, and it just seems so strange! I'm living with 7 people who a month ago I didn't know existed. We are all forced to become a support system from each other, but how can we do that when we don't know each other well enough to know what each person needs. We are constantly putting  each other in boxes, clinging to the little tid-bits that we've been able to learn in the three weeks we've shared a living space (it still feels too much like an office space, not quite a home).

I never really know if I'm being myself. I will have some moments, like last night playing Canasta with Tomás, where I feel normal again. And then there are other nights, like late night conversations in Sinclair's room, where I feel so misunderstood. Then when I try to clarify why I am the way I am, my explanation doesn't do me justice. I am fluid, my reactions change, I can't give you a reason why I don't hug you when I leave the room without putting myself in a box. And I don't like being in a box. 

I shouldn't have to explain who i am. 

I just am.

Give it time.

We will get to a point of understanding. 

I hope.

It's hard not to feel completely comfortable in your own home. I want to be me, but have always be nervous about how people perceive me. I'm jealous of Gretchen who is who she is without making excuses.  I hold back. And I don't know why. I'm just slower to open up than I thought I would be. I think it has a lot to do with being the youngest. Though I am an ambitious and independent woman, I still feel like I need that guidance. Someone else to pave the way. I can't do it unless I some experience or authority to tell me how. But I don't know anyone who's done this before. It's such strange thing, wonderful at times, with incredible potential, but slow to develop. Hopefully with Patience and Understanding - it will come.